Old, & Becoming Ready to Retire or Die. 

Really, I can’t do the things I used to do. Exhaustion and memory issues turns my mind to guilt. If only I had taken better care of myself, would I live longer with a more healthy life style.  Would I be able to know how to spell seed, or is it sead.

And how long does short-term memory last.  Will I know when it has become long-term.

The notion of courage, almost ignored entirely because serenity was so high on the list of must haves; and wisdom was an image of well-being and intelligence that i sough after it with gusto, as if gusto would grant me wisdom.

I forgot about courage and whenever i did think about it, it would occur to me that I had none and I wanted to hide from the very word.  I never went to war.  I was six when I pleaded with my father and mother to help me stay clear of any war zone.  I was lucky.  Vietnam was on the immediate horizon.  I was classified 1A…ready to fight and kill is what it meant.

Then my daughter was born and my classification went to 1Y, and I never went to war.  Having a wife and having a Daughter saved me from my first fear of hell.

Only many years later did I see that it had carved another form of hell out of where my heart was.  The hole was a  lack of courage, a fear of being a man.  Meekness became a virtue and the Lord said that i would inherit the earth; but, I am an atheist with a deep-seeded fear of the Lord.  I do not believe in the God that I fear.

Mysticism and magic occupies the same quadrant in my compartmentalized brain.  I might even think about cremation were it not for the resurrection of the body and the soul.

Age creeps into this petty life we lead. Everlasting and eternity are further away then they have ever been. There is a consequence to every action even if that action is only a thought.  Consciousness is human, not divine.

This “short” is about courage and right now I have to find the courage of follow-through.

If I am going to be a writer, I better have the courage to let myself find an audience.

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