time, not space is my world

it has become morning once more…i wonder how it would help or hinder if i knew exactly how many more mornings that i have in my reserve.  i might not want to know.  on the other hand would it help me to not waste moments as if i were a time tycoon and from that position of time-wealth, i had nothing to ever worry about & as much of what i wanted was here and now and that here and now would last forever.

i look for answers outside of myself for hints that might bring me closer to understanding the mysteries of life.  perhaps it is the up-bringing that set me on this path to wanting knowledge about the universe.  certainly, as a boy i was fascinated with meta-knowledge.  i looked for answers inside of me when i had the eucharist in my mouth.  I prayed a pious prayer, squeezing my mind for answers thinking that while god was in my mouth i might be able to get glimpses of nirvana.  I would tense my body & “pray hard” as if praying hard was a louder prayer than praying soft.

i knelt in silent adoration–my lord and my god i adore thee, were the words that circled my mind.  i fought back impulses to think and wanted to be blank so that christ would write on my soul the answers to life.  I did not even have formulated questions.  I just prayed hard that i would be chosen to be special–like the virgin was chosen to be his mother, i want to be chosen for something very special.

it did not work–a tleast it has not worked yet.

looking for god outside of me has not worked.  oh, certainly i think i see him in natural beauty, the cove with water lilies growing on the surface of the water, the sky moments after the sun has set and it explodes into a myriad of colors that the human pallet can not conceive.  at those moments I squeuze my mind and tense my body and i look for the sensation that i have swallowed god with my eyes.  but, only a strange, nearly empty stillness exist.  all i am aware of is creation and my small wonderment about it.

it is not a muse, not an inspiration, not even a moment of silent at-one-ment with god; rather it is a small silent sensation that i am in a tiny corner of the cosmos, illuminated at best by the light of the world and small, small, small, in relation to beauty.

i discover like emerson did before me that beauty is is own excuse for being and i turn my back to the moment in time that colored my world with god’s pallet and i walk away, un-enlughtened, but in wonderment.  a moment in time enters my consciousness and i watch myself watching the universe unfold and watching myself unfold with it.  i am at the further most ex-stream of my existence right now. i am embarking on tomorrow as we speak.  i am turning now into yesterday with every nano second that passes.  time, not space is my world.

2 thoughts on “time, not space is my world

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